So sometimes you reach a point of almost no return. I reached that point needless to say yesterday. I really felt like ending my life. Sadly I truly felt that way. It's funny one minute you know your struggling with many things but your thinking I will okay I believe in God and have strong faith in him. I don't know why at a quick moment I just snapped and got angry and cried and said I'm tired and done. Isaiah, broke a tiny magnetic photo frame I had on my refrigerator for about thirty years of my oldest daughter and that was it. I was really angry. So I just tossed it and walked away. They left and the thought that came to mind was to go take a bottle full of pills. Then I cried endlessly a called suicide prevention. I tried this other place not realizing it's Saturday and they were closed. Honestly I had two other times in my 56 years that I felt this way. It's definetely not a good place to be.. I'm struggling today but not like yesterday.
I'm sharing this today with you to open my heart and mind and pull myself Way and out of this direction... I texted one person and I guess he's to busy as usual to respond. I think not grieving for my mom and just going and going and going like I usually do wasnt a great idea. I should have went to the counseling offered by hospice.
Sometimes we need to just stop. I kind of feel trapped in this saga with Mamas house.
I'm trying to find my way out.
I think that I'm done living with people and I'm ready to live alone.
I'm tired of cleaning up after grown people and repeatedly telling them the same things not to do over and over. And having people disrespect my things and home. I truly wish that it was so simple to just clean out Mama house fix it and move in. But there more than that.
It truly sucks that my mama my best friend is dead and gone but that's reality right!
So as I write this be careful with your feelings get help.. If your over whelmed. I will be calling on Monday the hospice for the grief counseling. I know God is here but in spirit at the moment it's not enough. I need more in the physical. .
But when you haven't no one to count on. ..?
Ps I thought this to be strange. When I talked to the sucide center after ten mins they cut me off and said they had to hang up.. I was shocked and again over whelmed thank God I prayed really hard after that..
Blessings blogger friends
With love Janice
Life is precious I know thank goodness I believe in God
He saved my life