Loving you a life time from afar

You know I'm sitting here early morning the time has changed so I'm up early.  Waking up early morning promotes extra time to think, because you can't do much at the crack of dawn...you don't want to awaken anyone.  The Garden is still dark so lol you cant look for the slugs that are eating your plants to salt them to death.  So instead I'm attempting to post on my blog from my I-Pad.  As long as it's just script I'm ok. It's when I try to add photos is where I have a problem.  My mind lately has been some what occupied with something from my past.  To be exact my very first real boy friend. I have always been in love with him, but because of circumstances I tucked it away inside never to let if surface.  A few nights, well a couple of weeks ago he came to my mind like a ragging fire.  I presume because my life had come to a standstill, though he has always popped in my mind time and time again.  But I always thought he really didn't care because of all the times in the past that he showed up in my life he came and left never saying that he really cared or loved me.  So I kepted my feelings to myself.  Locked in my dungin forever.  I tried hard to forget the past of him and our unborn baby but could never.  I was seventeen gotten pregnant had abortion not really realizing what I had done until years later when studying Gods word the bible.  My parents where not my friends so basically I had no one except my girlfriend who didn't know the better.  I lived with her and her grandparents.  I couldn't tell anyone not even my boyfriend he was hooked on Herion and what was he going to do for me.  At that time his mind was only on that.  When we first we're together it wasn't like that the drug addiction was way later sad but true.  So with all that I made the best decision for me. I quit school I only had several weeks before graduation but I just couldn't mentally do it anymore. I kept my job had the horrible abortion at five months, God only knows how much I hate myself now for it. And went on in life from one dum mess to another ending here alone. Panic disorder etc.. My life has been hard I have struggled like no ones business. But I'm here. Don't get me wrong there has been dark moments that I wanted to just die.  But somehow or some reason God kept me here.  I appreciate all that I have.  Thinking often I'd give all this material things up in a minute if
I could just have peace in my heart.   I'm about to be fifty seven years old.  I met him probably when I
was 11 maybe I played with his younger sister and brother and ended up being his girlfriend at a young age and more because my dad became an alcoholic he became my knight and shinny one.  But later to hurt me as much as my father.  But I assure you he was totally different before the drugs sweet loving caring and all the above he was my king.  As I sit here and write to you my blogger friends with Teary eyes sharing my story with you  I know you won't judge me.  I share this with you all because I have come to trust and care for you all.  This is a process for me to Heal and get better from my panic disorder.  I never thought that I would find him again but I did.  We have talked and for once I got mad sad happy expressed my pain my hurt my sorrow everything inside my soul.  I know he must have thought maybe I'm crazy.  But iam not.  I needed him to respond to me and he wasn't .  It was hard to tell him that I still loved him have always loved him never stopped.  He un fortunately is in a relationship.  I am not and haven't been for six years.  I started to a couple of times and then stopped me in my track thinking why go there again for what reason it never works out. I end up leaving..  I did fall deeply in love with another and to much he at a later point got addicted to
cocaine so after almost eight years I walked out.  Never wanting to trust anyone with my heart ever again.  I'm trying to be his friend which isn't easy because I love him and would like to spend what ever days of my life with him.  But I realize as I write this it's not going to be cause whether he is happy or not good or bad relationship he's not going to walk out of it.  I have so many emotions between mama dying my brother sick now, the house etc.. I just don't know I feel so lost and I keep trying to be strong for the family but frankly I'm tired of everything.  My only hope is my life with God ...  Dreams don't always come true and even though he is occupied I'm glad I found him I needed to release the hurt and pain of it all our relationship.   It truly is strange to find him at this time in our lives he being a few years older than me.. I have thought of us being older it's strange I never thought in my wildest dreams he be here.  I thought I would die never talking to him again.. I love you Mr R.M.R till my death...