Missing Mama....

I just can't believe it's been almost one year since Mama left.. Come March 14, 2015.. Seems as if it was yesterday.  I visited her grave the other day and all the cones for the flowers were missing and all the things we put there.. I really want to get a head stone for her soon.. my Dad is burried there as well and my oldest brother but Mama for some reason never got a head stone.. But I intend to soon.. soon as I figure out the cost for the fixing of the house.. But anyhow to day Valentine Day made me think of her and how much I truly miss her and made me think as well there is nothing like your Mama... I have had many ruff days since she left. she was my one and only best friend in the world.. The person I turned to for everything good and bad.. I told my daughter so many things remind me of her.. the last five years I have spent much much time with her going here and doing this and so many times Mama would say O the heck with it.. lets go eat and shop at the Saver's thrift store.. She say I don't drink smoke on anything so why not.. I'd say well Mama if that's what you want to do it's your monie you worked for it. And off we'd go.. I miss those days so much.
And honestly nothing is the same.. Today this afternoon I sit in her house in complete quite the Cats roaming about sound less.. thinking I don't hear her and imagining in my mind her saying this or that.. I just can't help it I try not to think of it all to much.. but over and over it all goes through my mind  her coming from the hospital and with in days she drifted away into a colma like state.. but I keep remembering her looking at me from her room to the kitchen just looking at me.. I said Mama whats wrong she said O I'd like a little bit of moral support, I told her what Mama do you want me to hold you she said Yes I do.. So I did just that I walked into her room and lifted her a bit and sat on the bed behind to hold her as long as she wished so..
and then before I knew it each day that passed Mama drifted away.  We went from giving her regular medicines normally to pushing them into the side of her mouth, then crushing them up and putting them in a syringe.. To stopping some of them.. then nothing thats it.. by then she was in that colma like state.. I didn't have time to think about anything thing at those moments just caring for her.. she couldn't walk no more at first we lifted her into her wheel chair over and over then she just had to stay in the bed then we changed her bathed her like that.. to then we couldn't touch her body she said it hurt later to screams of pain.. Then she was leaving and we waited like birds on a fence with worry in our hearts and pain and in hope of her not suffering anymore.. even though we didn't want her to go we knew.  but drugs then came in and took over so she felt nothing.. and in the wee hours of the morning Mama was leaving forever the breaths got longer and shorter and I stood there holding her hand and telling her I was there not knowing whether she knew or not trying to be strong for everyone and my son sat next to the bed leaning over her lower part of her body.. Mama he said she is leaving us.. and as my Mama took her last breath my son cried and cried and I couldn't I couldn't ... I knew I had to take care of everything for her to the Last Mama's wishes.. So I called Hospice and told them and they came right away and helped me make phone calls they were the most awesome ever.. I keep thinking did I do enough for her I wished I told her more things.  even though through the last year we talked so much I feel like I forgot to say so much.. I don't know it's just silly I guess.. But I miss her more and more .. not less and less.. I hate being without her..My days seem empty and long ...

Wishing you all a lovely Valentine Weekend

with love 

Janice

p.s. just needed to vent a bit thanks for listening..

MISS YOU MAMA DEARLY

LOVE YOU

WITH ALL MY

HEART!!!