Mamas...

     🌺 So here we go...  Real story... Mama passed on in March 14, 2014 she left this little cottage to me..  This very broken cottage..  I one day will have to move here..  I have had nothing but problems though with the whole mess.  Wrong lawyers etc.  who try to charge me $495.00 per hr.  Make me do things that were wrong etc. Just ridculous amounts of money..  I have been going in circles with this whole thing since.  And that is putting it lightly..  There are certain things that have to be done.  So while  Struggling to cover the bills and taxes and house insurance at mamas house and pay my own things in my house it has been tuff... I know its not of anyones business, but since I have readers who would like to know about the just of it all and because I mention mamas house a lot in my post I'm sharing my story with you...  My oldest daughter who also has panic disorder like me lives in mamas house now with her four children and covers the bills so now thats not on my shoulders.  Her and my son also help pay taxes..  Anyhow..  I myself are on S.S.I. because of my panic disorder which I got about six years or so ago..  The reason I haven't moved yet into mamas house yet is for one the legal technicalities.   Two the house needs so much to be done and the room I need to move into has to be totally stripped from ceiling down..  It is full of smoke inbedded in the walls and ceiling from my dad smoking and my brother smoking and smoking drugs in there..  And that take monies which I don't have a lot of..  It has been a tuff two years since mama left..  And to top it off mamas house was full of things junk to the brim...  So I have most everything from the main floor out..  Pretty much only necessities only...  Except that one room has things that were left over from the two storages and some things from mamas room.  And a couple nice cabinets..  Mama also had boxes and boxes of paperwork from bills from forever and everything even my dad who passed on years ago she never rid of a thing...  I think I finally reached the bottom of that this weekend..  There is also a basement that was as big as the the main floor only the rooms had been gutted out years ago when they put a new foundation..  Sad part of that was they filled it with junk and boxes and you name it up in there..  To the ceiling and you could barely walk through..  I had to save up monies for that costing almost $800.00 dollars for a debri box plus having to get a permit for taking up parking spaces which cost almost $200.00 like $185.00.  And that permit is only good for thirty days.. So and that left still much more remaining..  So to answer to peoples questions...  I will most likely soon have to move into this broken house..  I since I got sick have help from the government for my house I live in now.  But will give that up soon.   Will continue only with my S.S.I.  Besides my panic disorder i have a very bad back my lower back there is one part at the bottom where now I barely have any cushion it is almost bone to bone and my neck continually pops out and half of my left legs is partically numb.  I'm suppose to be going to the chiropracter on a regular basis but since medical stop helping and my money ran out trying to run mamas house and mine...  I had to stop..  I had got one estimate for mamas house it would cost me $70.000 to make a apt. Downstairs for my daughter and grandchildren. And a addtional $10.000 plus I pay for materials for the upstairs so probably like $90.000 to a $100.000. That money doesn't exsit ...  The deck is falling down and the electrical in the basement is shot its been there for more than me 58 years maybe mams 80 something years...  My panic disorder I was told was caused by all the drama in my life starting with my father becoming a alcoholic when I was around ten. He became physcially abusive torwards me when I was 12...  I left home when I was 16 1/2..  He stopped drinking later on in life after all the hell we went through.  For over ten years but we had a strange relationship Id say...  I married at a young age to a older man who later I found out drank too much a lot of the times too he was good to me for the most part put there were a couple of times drama came.. So after seven years I left,  couple years later re married a nightmare physical abuse and later mental abuse it took me 13 years to get out of that relationship and he trailed me after through the courts and so much I can probably write a book about it all...  And just o e thing after another bad relationships issues with my drug addict brothers...  My father becoming ill then mama later..  Doctor said my body just couldn't take no more so it went into panic mode...  I had had another bad relationship Before I got sick..  I believe that pushed me there...  I have been single since then pretty much...  Now I focus on God and doing the best I can while I'm walking with the lord...  Keeping all negativity away from me..  I don't know what will happen but I trust in the Lord that he will help me find the way to make mamas house decent for my daughter my grandchildren and myself ...  Last year maybe some of you remember my oldest daughter tried to commit suicide...  Thank the Lord she survived...  My life has been a difficult one in many ways this is just a brief post about it...  Like I said I probably could write a book...  But I have closed that door since mama left..  And I will never be opening anymore..  This is a new day a new beginning..  We are breaking the cycle of alcohol abuse, physcial abuse etc... and no longer are accepting any negativity in this house..  It has been washed clean of all that and I trust that my heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ will make it brand new...  Amen...  I hope this post helps clears up any questions up that you all have asked me..  I don't mind sharing any part of my life with you..  I have nothing to hide nor am I  ashamed of anything for growth is important shedding the old life and making it new is more important.  I gave that old life to the lord... Though I wasn't the bad one.. And I was the person on the other side...   I gave all my pain and sorrow and suffering to him...  I'm free...  I walk with him...🌺

                       With love my dearests, Janice🌺